Declassified Family Record

Rissoles, Arseholes, Sausages & Chips

RASC — Royal Army Service Corps. The food at the canteen was so bad, the officers renamed it themselves.

A memoir of being dragged up — barely — by the British Army, three continents, several near-arrests, and a father who once instructed men on Howitzer cannons and nuclear bombs but struggled with hearing aids and Whatsapp.

By Kieron Dowling 42 Chapters 4 Continents 1 Family, Repeatedly Relocated

Audio Exhibit — Case File 07

Chapter Seven

The Town Bike

Spain · Duino, Italy

Ted's blue Lee Francis was replaced with a new Peugeot 403, the car in which Betty loaded us up for a road trip to Spain. Those pastel holidays; bucket and spade, endless sunshine, rock pools and airplanes dropping parachutes with sweets attached.

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Three young boys in cowboy costumes standing beside a caravan, circa 1950s England — Subjects Michael, Sean & Kieron. Cowboy costumes, contraband caravan. Location and year unconfirmed.

Subject Summary

Born the third son of a British Army captain who owned an actual sword, Kieron Dowling spent his childhood being shipped between postings his parents barely had time to unpack from — Dover, Düsseldorf, Hong Kong, Salisbury Plain, Zambia, Malawi — collecting rock cakes from guardhouse corporals, motorbikes bartered against university degrees, and a working knowledge of how much trouble two older brothers can generate before breakfast.

What follows is boarding school, a runaway voyage to England that ends in handcuffs, farming in Zambia, a very poor decision involving a boat named Elvis, three children, a business collapse, and — eventually — Western Australia. Told with the deadpan of a man who has genuinely seen it all and can't quite believe most of it either.

Exhibits From the File

Excerpts, lightly redacted for your protection. Click the black bars.

They handcuffed me.

Ch. 21 — Crime of Passion

The army had a private slogan: 'If something can't be eaten, moved or shagged, then paint it.'

Ch. 1 — Assailants of the Fort

Ted has an expression for an erection: Irish toothache.

Ch. 1 — Assailants of the Fort

A fascinating revelation burst forth in my brain: pigs' willies are really shaped like a corkscrew. It became a cocktail party piece I insisted everyone share.

Ch. 24 — Danish Daphne

(These are all things that actually happened. There is no fiction disclaimer in this book, and that's the problem.)

The Complete Record

42 Chapters. No Regrets Reported.

Every chapter is also filed as audio testimony — tap ▶ to open the podcast.

01	Assailants of the Fort	Dover / Germany
02	Bonkers in Honkers	Hong Kong
03	Scooting and Looting	London
04	The Crab Apple Caper	Salisbury Plain
05	Getting Hooked	Woodbridge
06	Goodbye Nana	Hohne, Germany
07	The Town Bike	Spain / Duino, Italy
08	Let us Pray for Are Soles	Ipswich
09	Far away, to the East	Singapore
10	Great White Hunters…or maybe not	Zambia
11	Outward Bound	Zambia
12	Head in a Basket	Zambia
13	A Letter from America	Broken Hill
14	Banished	Broken Hill
15	Six Tea Chests	Broken Hill
16	The Chev Apache	Broken Hill
17	Caught in the Act	Broken Hill
18	Man on the Moon	Broken Hill
19	A Close Call	Zambia / South Africa
20	Stowaway!	Cape Town
21	Crime of Passion	London

22	The Mechanic from Hell	London
23	Showers of Shyte	Broken Hill
24	Danish Daphne	Broken Hill
25	Chicken Man	Broken Hill
26	Let's Get Outta Here	Lusaka
27	Back to Blighty	England
28	Man of Cows	Compton
29	The Vanishing Tractor	Compton
30	Number Nineteen	Compton
31	The Lonely Old Bull	Compton
32	Computer Commuter	Seaford / Brighton
33	The Muti Man	Lusaka
34	No Accident	Botswana
35	Coppers and the Copperbelt	Kitwe
36	Hair Trigger	Kitwe
37	Thunder Down Under	Perth
38	Captain Eyeball	Dampier
39	Up the Creek	Perth
40	The Chateau	Thiviers, France
41	The Beginning of the End	Perth
42	Running	Two Rocks

About the Author

Kieron and his brothers Mike and Sean grew up Army brats with no fixed address and a talent for finding trouble on three continents before settling — more or less — in France, Italy and Western Australia. Rissoles, Arseholes, Sausages & Chips is his memoir. He is currently deciding whether the sequel needs a lawyer present.